Can the quality of a sibling’s partnership be predicted? We believe it can!
A partnership of brothers or sisters is a partnership of destiny. They are born to the same family, with different genders and in a certain order: an older and younger brother, the second brother and fourth sister, five brothers, two sisters, twins, etc. This (imposed, if you will) partnership of destiny, grows and evolves in the family. Some siblings are closer than others.
Between some siblings, abysses of pain may develop – which are expressed as infinite rage, permanent hatred and a continuous fight.
In most cases the cause of the conflict is the unequal attitude of one or both of the parents towards the children. The first biblical murder occurred not because of a quarrel between brothers, but because of the preference of the “father” – God. “…And the LORD had respect unto Abel and his offering: But unto Cain and his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell” (Genesis 4 4-5). The competition over the parent’s love turned into envy and hostility between the brothers, and the tragic end is well known.
In some cases the origin of the differential attitude and the resulting pain lies in differences in talent, or in an illness or a defect, that causes the precious attention to be focused on one brother rather than the other.
There are also opposite cases, in which a special bond of love and trust forms between siblings (“soul brothers”). Some of the more common among these are: the bond between an older and a younger brother, between the first sister and the one born after her, between twins, between brothers that have common fields of interest or complementary talents since early childhood (computers, music, commerce etc.). Damaged parenthood, such as in the case of death or illness of a parent, or a drastic change in the financial situation of the family, can also create unconditional sibling comradeship. The siblings feel that any split between them would be a luxury they cannot afford. Therefore,they create a life-long alliance. When there is evidence of this kind of bond, it can be predicted with high probability that the siblings’ partnership will survive and thrive. Conversely, when there is a problematic history to the relationship, we can expect a partnership of pain and anger.
It is very important to check the family DNA in regards to sibling’ relationships. In some families the parents, usually the mother, dreams that in the family she started, the siblings will not quarrel. She thus encourages them to build a partnership. But when this dream is based on difficult relations in her family of origin, which are characterized by disputes and disagreements, , it is important to stop and examine. One should try to understand to what extent the mother has been able to correct what has been impressed in her by her original family, and raise her children in a situation different than the one she grew up in. In most cases, it demands great effort on the part of such a mother in order to raise her children on an authentic and positive model of sibling relations.
It is worth noting, that even when the family history does not predict great prospects for a sibling partnership, still “All is foreseen, but freedom of choice is given” (Mishnah, Nezikin, Avot, 3,16). The repetition of the past is the foreseen, yet freedom of choice is always given to change and improve, given that the motivation to learn and change exists. One should keep in mind that both in the case of a good and strong relationship, and in that of a painful one, siblings working together find themselves in conflict situations of conflict and in need of tools to work them out. These can be learned.
As parents, most of us are not sufficiently aware of the fact that our children’s quarrels have a lot to do with our presence. They evolve in accordance with the way in which we disperse the nectar of parental love.
To sum up, examining the family DNA (of both the father and mother) regarding sibling’s relations in their original families, as well as these relations in the generation of the partners-to-be, can predict the quality of the sibling partnership. The probability for successcan be increased, by understanding the characteristics of the sibling’s relationship and by the acquisition of tools for communication and conflict solving, that will help them cope with the normal challenges of partnership.
